Monday, May 05, 2008
I know I deserve this.. slacking over the weekends.. I deserve it.
Somehow I remembered the correct answer has to be chinese snakehead but im not too sure so i decided to leave it as poison dart frog...which was so obviously poisonous and definitely banned in singapore.. how could I have screwed up! and there Sera was..choosing that correct answer based on what I wrote in my notebook... Seriously.. I felt like banging my head on the wall. It couldnt be more obvious. I found the rest of the paper pretty difficult and exhaustive while she didnt think it was tough. I can almost foresee a B or below to my CAP puller on my score card... Another screw up final lap... why...
I guessed im burnt out. Compared to others, my finals this semester is nothing. I only have 3 papers while others have to mug hard for all 5 papers to complete that 20MCs. I had only finished horrible Metabolism & Regulation paper on Saturday morning, that was my paper., and today's the second. Perhaps I've never really tried so hard and results haven't really be much of a stress point to me, until after I came to NUS and venturing into Honours require a CAP of 3.5 and above. My CAP is currently 2.8... Before Uni, MOE has effectively pathed the route of every single child in the country. Yet in general, promising leaders are then found in the Universities, where you hold your own future in your hands. (or welll.. not quite...there are things you cant control) I entrust my future in the hands of God, afterall He is the one who created the universe, gave me life and spirit and my lot.
"A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Eccl 2:24-26
Yet it is totally irresponsible of me to have spent my time on non constructive stuff like reading blogs and msning.. all other things than studying. I've previously gave my time to study for all the tests and the latest LSM2202 lab report and the next thing, preparation of final exams. I really wish holidays would come faster... This semester had been a mad rush; not to mention my last sem was insanely stressful too(due to JAP LEVEL 1! to find out at the end of the day.. my CAP dropped.again.) I can only admit, Lord.. I do not have the tenacity that I thought I had. I do not have the patience with the books that I thought I had cultivated. I do not have enough discipline to finish off my last 100m sprint well.. I'm tired.
Seeing how other people strive to keep their CAPs at >4.. they are pulling their hair off because they cant score their A+ for every single module.. I'm struggling at the bottom, pulling my hair off because I cant get above 3. Nowhere near average. Sometimes I wonder why am I always comparing. I wonder why am I even in the University. It is almost impossible to have gotten here solely by my own strength because I just not that intelligent! I had wished to enjoy my God-given lot happily but the world pressure is great. Lord.. the pressure I'm getting from people around me is great..especially when I'm like the bottom half. Perhaps I'm too hard on myself, perhaps when I'm just not good enough.. but I'll never be. Jesus saved me.
I know I'm going on and on about the same thing because my mind had only one thing now. Is my CAP going to drop again this semester... Will I fail and get kicked out of the school? My Father Lord, You know all these things, you know my struggles and failures. Will you not shortchange me because I've shortchange you? I failed again and again to live a righteous life before you, I've failed many a times to love people the way you love. I've failed to fix my eyes on you again and this results thing, relationships, CF stuff and all are troubling me, very much. I do not think You'll leave me nor do I think You'll give me a stone when I'm seriously in need of bread. Lord... help me to trust you joyfully. Help me to continue to run this race with greater tenacity and perseverance.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." James 1:2-8
Because..
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12
All these because Jesus had bled and died on the cross for me. All these because He has resurrected and I resurrect with Him. Help me to overcome this Lord.. my results are definitely not everything though now I have to be faithful in fulfilling my student responsibilities...guai guai study for my last paper, LSM2102. God.. I will obey..
Signing off...Tingyu^^
